LOKI

* Norse god of Fire

I thought this anger would abate
But now I’m closer to feeling hate
My fear is choking me of breath
Though I have no desire for death
Put your sinning mouth to my ear
Don’t whisper so they may all hear
You enjoy my every pain
To you it’s just a game
No matter who lives or dies
No matter the sin or the lie
Put your sinning flesh to mine
Your features always sublime
You enjoy what you do to me
Enjoy hearing my mournful pleas
Shivering in delight
As you take in my plight
I see the darkness in your eyes
Imagining, bleeding me dry

I thought this anger would abate
But now all I feel is hate
My fear is choking me of breath
Though I still have no desire for death
In your mind I’m nothing but a toy
Just good enough for your pleasures and any other boys
I hate you for what you are an effed up liar who drives an effed up car
Afraid of what they’ll say behind your back?
Say, you molest little girls and smoke crack
It means a lot to you your reputation?
Then I have a lot to say to the nation
Speak of my every hurt
And still you smirk
Speak of your every crime
Don’t look at me as if I’m out of my mind

At the beginning our relationship was hot
Now I’m gonna call on the cops
I’ll tell them how you wrote your name into my skin
How you dug out the letters with your pin
When you said the pin and you would never depart
You started wearing it close you your heart
Of those nights when you attempted to break me in
Tried to crush me like a bean tin
How you cackled at my spirit
Then smacked me around for a lil’ bit
The night of my rape
How you crooned it was for my sake
Bring me down a notch or two
Because I was just too confident for you
Break me inside and out, oh you tried
You almost won, when I gave in without a fight
You had my body and my mind
Said you wanted my spirit too, how kind
I was cherished, when you had control
Because you thought you had it all
Beat me once, beat me twice
Hell yeah, lets go for thrice!

I thought this anger would abate
But I was wrong it’s actually hate
My fear used to steal my breath
But I was never willing for death
I am mine
Spirit, body and mind
I’ve served my time in Dante’s hell
Now, I’ll make the most of my life as well

Twisted

i had a fight with my mum today and of course it was over me being able to see friends, heck it was over allowing me some sort of freedom.
i've said it time and time again, i'm messed up, i've had enough of her shoving her own emotional instabilities onto me, so what if i go do drugs, so what if i smoke so what if i get kidnapped, raped and then killed. what happens happens, i try to avoid get cut up with knives by taking precautions, being cautious, it doesn't mean that i have to stop using knives all together, heck i don't think i'd hessitate to slice my hand open, whats a little pain? just gotta endure it.
And no, i haven't started slicing my self open, i'm not quite there yet, having friends is the only thing thats keeping me anchored right now.
theres no denying it, i'm a loner, thats why i have imaginary friends, thats why i spend most my time daydreaming, cuz the real world is shit, who wants to live in it? i'm just passing by so, i'll make the most of it.
I wanted to hurt her, sooo bad, to make her feel what i'm feeling but i can't, and still she makes ME feel GUILTY. haws that right?
i wrote a poem, that conveys how i feel, all my poems do, they're a part of me, look beyond the words.

Judge Me

Who are you to look at me
To judge me without seeing or the know?
Judge me , with your bias
Who are you to look at me
And decide, what you see you don't like?
When you judge without the know or the right
So please, tell me
Who are you to me,
So that which comes from your mouth
Does not cause a riot?
Because you judge me with your prejudice, your bias
Judge me without the know or the right
When you, yourself have declined
To learn the truth
And swear to look upon the truth
Nothing but the truth
The whole truth
And so help you god.

Twinkle

Twinkle, twinkle, little star
High above, in the sky
Watch me twirl
See me fly
Twinkle, twinkle little star
High above, in the sky
Sprinkle stardust in my eyes
So I may twinkle and shine, like a star.

No Love Lost

~*~
No love lost
We hold each others hands
No love lost
We share, we give and take
No love lost
Because we cherish everyday
Therefore no love is lost
We just keep it locked away
~*~

Go to Brittistan For this one

Like the title said.

New

I've decided that new posts are in order, wahay. lets party. not. most of my entries i'll steal from my diary because most of the time i just repeat myself. A new era a new ME!

I don't feel Jack

i'll give into this undeniable urge to swear, stop reading now, you've been warned. I've had enough of being caged in, its bullhitted, all of tradition, i feel like i'm losing my faith and i don't care. I'm losing my mind and i don't give a shit. I've tried so hard to reign in my anger, but all i do is lock it away, this time its coming out. So, my mum has decided to leave, Grandma is in hospital in Boston, she's had a stroke, is in critical condition and doctors don't know if she'll make it. i should feel something, but i don't not shock nor sadness, just anger. She says to me:

How can i leave you when you go off to play tennis, this house is your responsiblity, if only you were sensible, if only you were smart, then i would have been able to go long ago.

I blame all my shitty problems on my family, i don't trust them, the only people i do trust is myself and my brother, he's the only one who'll back me up when i need it. Because HE understands. So, everything is crapness, i feel like being a bitch, and i'll be as bitchy as i want.
Keeping a tight control on my emotions will drive me insane, it already has. Just Yesterday, when my mum was crying after she got the news, i just sat there, doing nothing, just listening to her cry. So why didn't i hug her and comfort her like any good kid would do for their parents? Because i've never been hugged or kissed by my parents, they've never told me they cared, how can i give them something they've never given me? I can't do that, even if they asked me, i wouldn't be able to. When i'm hurt and she trieds to put her arms around me, its meaningless, the gesture is empty, does she mean it? Do i even know?
Ok, now i'm going to cry, all of this hurts, i'll never be grown up enough for them, i'll always be alone, now i'm crying.
I've tried so hard to mold myself into the perfect daughter, nothing is good enough, they talk of me settling down, having kids of my own, what kind of mother would i make, a bad one. This is the anger i need to let out. Yesterday night while i sat in bed writing in my diary, i though of love, how complicated and emotion it was , then i though of lust, anger, hate, sadness, happiness. I've never hated because i've never loved, thats the truth, as humans we mistake wanting for needing. But love? is it a want or a need, i've lived without it, i want it dos it mean i need it, do I need, because right now, what i want is for my parenst to show that they love me, not through over protectiveness, but through hugs and kisses and meaningless words, stuff that i can cherish, stuff other people take for granted, i want that, i need that.
Then maybe i won't have to put up a facade, i compensate for the stuff i don't get through school, from my friends. My mum doesn't believe in friendship, and i think thats bullshit, i've had to miss out on so many things. its tough, all i know is to remain reserved, quiet and closed off from society, thats what i'm good at, why i've never been able to express my feelings properly to the people who deserve them.
It doesn't matter, all i do is talk shit in the first place.

Chiiiiii, no, not chickens!!

Thnaks to Jummiiiiiii, i am here, infront of this screen, typing about my misfortunate life and anything other than chickens!!! ohh chickens, how i love thee, but hate to eat thee!!!! oh merciful heavens save the chikens! what camef first the chicken or the egg?
There out of ma system, thank you Jumms. I feel really pleased with myself at this moment in time, not a great surprise, i never go to bed without sorting out the junk in my head, cause if i don't then i'll neva get a good nights sleep.
I've also, come to the realisation of how selfish and inconsiderate i can really be without even trying that hard. Just today i decided to unload all my frustration on Rita. she didn't deserve it and i hadn't realised my mistake untill it was too late. Rita? I'm sorry, i mean it i really do.
I can be soo disgustingly selfish, half the time i'm thinking about myself and the other half i'm thinking about myself. even at this moment!! Atleast soon enough i'll have a diary in whihc i can confide in. Not that i don't like telling you lot things or reading your comments, there a just somethings that are more dark and twisted than even i would care to acknowledge and they're all part of me. i need to come to terms with it first before allowing anyone else a browse through.
Now i can read, yes thats what i do during my free time, i work or i read and i read. even during study leave. thats why i neva revise on the pc, to many distractions.