Killer Bunnies In The Head

LOKI

2005-08-29T08:26:00.000+01:00

* Norse god of Fire

I thought this anger would abate
But now I’m closer to feeling hate
My fear is choking me of breath
Though I have no desire for death
Put your sinning mouth to my ear
Don’t whisper so they may all hear
You enjoy my every pain
To you it’s just a game
No matter who lives or dies
No matter the sin or the lie
Put your sinning flesh to mine
Your features always sublime
You enjoy what you do to me
Enjoy hearing my mournful pleas
Shivering in delight
As you take in my plight
I see the darkness in your eyes
Imagining, bleeding me dry

I thought this anger would abate
But now all I feel is hate
My fear is choking me of breath
Though I still have no desire for death
In your mind I’m nothing but a toy
Just good enough for your pleasures and any other boys
I hate you for what you are an effed up liar who drives an effed up car
Afraid of what they’ll say behind your back?
Say, you molest little girls and smoke crack
It means a lot to you your reputation?
Then I have a lot to say to the nation
Speak of my every hurt
And still you smirk
Speak of your every crime
Don’t look at me as if I’m out of my mind

At the beginning our relationship was hot
Now I’m gonna call on the cops
I’ll tell them how you wrote your name into my skin
How you dug out the letters with your pin
When you said the pin and you would never depart
You started wearing it close you your heart
Of those nights when you attempted to break me in
Tried to crush me like a bean tin
How you cackled at my spirit
Then smacked me around for a lil’ bit
The night of my rape
How you crooned it was for my sake
Bring me down a notch or two
Because I was just too confident for you
Break me inside and out, oh you tried
You almost won, when I gave in without a fight
You had my body and my mind
Said you wanted my spirit too, how kind
I was cherished, when you had control
Because you thought you had it all
Beat me once, beat me twice
Hell yeah, lets go for thrice!

I thought this anger would abate
But I was wrong it’s actually hate
My fear used to steal my breath
But I was never willing for death
I am mine
Spirit, body and mind
I’ve served my time in Dante’s hell
Now, I’ll make the most of my life as well

Twisted

2005-08-28T21:31:00.000+01:00

i had a fight with my mum today and of course it was over me being able to see friends, heck it was over allowing me some sort of freedom.
i've said it time and time again, i'm messed up, i've had enough of her shoving her own emotional instabilities onto me, so what if i go do drugs, so what if i smoke so what if i get kidnapped, raped and then killed. what happens happens, i try to avoid get cut up with knives by taking precautions, being cautious, it doesn't mean that i have to stop using knives all together, heck i don't think i'd hessitate to slice my hand open, whats a little pain? just gotta endure it.
And no, i haven't started slicing my self open, i'm not quite there yet, having friends is the only thing thats keeping me anchored right now.
theres no denying it, i'm a loner, thats why i have imaginary friends, thats why i spend most my time daydreaming, cuz the real world is shit, who wants to live in it? i'm just passing by so, i'll make the most of it.
I wanted to hurt her, sooo bad, to make her feel what i'm feeling but i can't, and still she makes ME feel GUILTY. haws that right?
i wrote a poem, that conveys how i feel, all my poems do, they're a part of me, look beyond the words.

Judge Me

2005-05-20T15:12:00.000+01:00

Who are you to look at me
To judge me without seeing or the know?
Judge me , with your bias
Who are you to look at me
And decide, what you see you don't like?
When you judge without the know or the right
So please, tell me
Who are you to me,
So that which comes from your mouth
Does not cause a riot?
Because you judge me with your prejudice, your bias
Judge me without the know or the right
When you, yourself have declined
To learn the truth
And swear to look upon the truth
Nothing but the truth
The whole truth
And so help you god.

Twinkle

2005-05-14T15:10:00.000+01:00

Twinkle, twinkle, little star
High above, in the sky
Watch me twirl
See me fly
Twinkle, twinkle little star
High above, in the sky
Sprinkle stardust in my eyes
So I may twinkle and shine, like a star.

No Love Lost

2005-05-10T15:11:00.000+01:00

~*~
No love lost
We hold each others hands
No love lost
We share, we give and take
No love lost
Because we cherish everyday
Therefore no love is lost
We just keep it locked away
~*~

Go to Brittistan For this one

2005-05-10T14:56:00.000+01:00

Like the title said.

New

2005-05-10T14:52:00.000+01:00

I've decided that new posts are in order, wahay. lets party. not. most of my entries i'll steal from my diary because most of the time i just repeat myself. A new era a new ME!

I don't feel Jack

2005-04-01T16:02:00.000+01:00

i'll give into this undeniable urge to swear, stop reading now, you've been warned. I've had enough of being caged in, its bullhitted, all of tradition, i feel like i'm losing my faith and i don't care. I'm losing my mind and i don't give a shit. I've tried so hard to reign in my anger, but all i do is lock it away, this time its coming out. So, my mum has decided to leave, Grandma is in hospital in Boston, she's had a stroke, is in critical condition and doctors don't know if she'll make it. i should feel something, but i don't not shock nor sadness, just anger. She says to me:

How can i leave you when you go off to play tennis, this house is your responsiblity, if only you were sensible, if only you were smart, then i would have been able to go long ago.

I blame all my shitty problems on my family, i don't trust them, the only people i do trust is myself and my brother, he's the only one who'll back me up when i need it. Because HE understands. So, everything is crapness, i feel like being a bitch, and i'll be as bitchy as i want.
Keeping a tight control on my emotions will drive me insane, it already has. Just Yesterday, when my mum was crying after she got the news, i just sat there, doing nothing, just listening to her cry. So why didn't i hug her and comfort her like any good kid would do for their parents? Because i've never been hugged or kissed by my parents, they've never told me they cared, how can i give them something they've never given me? I can't do that, even if they asked me, i wouldn't be able to. When i'm hurt and she trieds to put her arms around me, its meaningless, the gesture is empty, does she mean it? Do i even know?
Ok, now i'm going to cry, all of this hurts, i'll never be grown up enough for them, i'll always be alone, now i'm crying.
I've tried so hard to mold myself into the perfect daughter, nothing is good enough, they talk of me settling down, having kids of my own, what kind of mother would i make, a bad one. This is the anger i need to let out. Yesterday night while i sat in bed writing in my diary, i though of love, how complicated and emotion it was , then i though of lust, anger, hate, sadness, happiness. I've never hated because i've never loved, thats the truth, as humans we mistake wanting for needing. But love? is it a want or a need, i've lived without it, i want it dos it mean i need it, do I need, because right now, what i want is for my parenst to show that they love me, not through over protectiveness, but through hugs and kisses and meaningless words, stuff that i can cherish, stuff other people take for granted, i want that, i need that.
Then maybe i won't have to put up a facade, i compensate for the stuff i don't get through school, from my friends. My mum doesn't believe in friendship, and i think thats bullshit, i've had to miss out on so many things. its tough, all i know is to remain reserved, quiet and closed off from society, thats what i'm good at, why i've never been able to express my feelings properly to the people who deserve them.
It doesn't matter, all i do is talk shit in the first place.

Chiiiiii, no, not chickens!!

2005-03-15T20:54:00.000Z

Thnaks to Jummiiiiiii, i am here, infront of this screen, typing about my misfortunate life and anything other than chickens!!! ohh chickens, how i love thee, but hate to eat thee!!!! oh merciful heavens save the chikens! what camef first the chicken or the egg?
There out of ma system, thank you Jumms. I feel really pleased with myself at this moment in time, not a great surprise, i never go to bed without sorting out the junk in my head, cause if i don't then i'll neva get a good nights sleep.
I've also, come to the realisation of how selfish and inconsiderate i can really be without even trying that hard. Just today i decided to unload all my frustration on Rita. she didn't deserve it and i hadn't realised my mistake untill it was too late. Rita? I'm sorry, i mean it i really do.
I can be soo disgustingly selfish, half the time i'm thinking about myself and the other half i'm thinking about myself. even at this moment!! Atleast soon enough i'll have a diary in whihc i can confide in. Not that i don't like telling you lot things or reading your comments, there a just somethings that are more dark and twisted than even i would care to acknowledge and they're all part of me. i need to come to terms with it first before allowing anyone else a browse through.
Now i can read, yes thats what i do during my free time, i work or i read and i read. even during study leave. thats why i neva revise on the pc, to many distractions.

Ohh Chickens

2005-03-03T18:32:00.000Z

It works, eight hours sleep is all my body can tolerate, I went to bed at 9:30 and woke up at 5:30 am. Normally I sleep around tenish, then wake up feeling all lethargic but not today, I was ubber hyped up. At this very moment, however, I still have extra HWRK to do, which is not due in till the day after tomorrow, which I can not bring myself to complete. The one thing I will do is revise, revise and revise.
I've just realised that I make things complicated for myself, I don't do it on purpose, no, I mean, who would want everything in their life to be that much harder? I feel as if I'm holding myself back from achieving my full potential, or more importantly traditional expectations. They're are always somewhere, lurking in that mish mashed jungle, just waiting to pounce on me.
I hate it, including this idea of arranged marriages too, how they must feel, that expectation, and the guilt, I know I certainly feel it. My whole family expect me to do this, to do that, but they don't want to or can't understand that maybe its not what I want to do.
My parents are lovely, I know they try to look out for me, but they wrap me in bubble wrap from head to toe, its suffocating, I don't want to be restricted like that. I wish they could just understand that I want to live life and to do so I will make mistakes, believe it or not, but no ones perfect and neither am I. Truthfully, the fact that I'm so guarded has made me more cautious and contemplative, I spend every moment trying to be perfect, and its tiring, I don't want perfection, but I want it. Argh, a personal paradox.
Honestly, I find it a relief to not have made so many mistakes in my short life, even personal mistakes, I choose my acquaintances carefully, with much thought, I'm lucky to not have experienced the betrayal of a friend, I'm grateful. However, I have a strong feeling, that what I have not learnt now, will come back to get me at a later date and it won't be as small *no offense to those who have experienced such* as a minor personal break-up e.g friendship. Because you can always make other friends, better friends.
this is what scares me, maybe this is why I try to hard to be perfect, when I know that somethings I can't avoid no matter how hard I try, I'll just have to face them. Or this is my facade, maybe it's my ultimate lie, I'm in denial and I can't face the truth about myself.
Or, my need to stive for perfection and success is just a passion that I have always carried in me, it makes me happy knowing I've done something right.

Stuck in the Mud....

2005-03-01T19:53:00.000Z

well, i'm stuck. It so weird, usually i crave the educational fortress provided by school, its so invigorating to learn. Secretly i'm just jealous of everyone. *thinks*, seeee, its takes me forever to think. i have this throbbing thing going on in my head, damn those bunnies are chipping away fast.
Atleast i can console myself with getting all flustered about the death of an undeserving character, pooor Tia, well, atleast it makes the plot line more interesting. Hafsa told me a few days ago, with a reminder today, to not i quote "turn into me" or her to be more precise.
Here i am, having finished two straight hours of work and feeling restless, i stare pathetically at the screen, gazing upon the smirking face of a v. handsome individual. he has such a lovely scar, and a better looking sword. i need one of those, i may be a caution freak, but i like sharp and shiny things. Yep, V. distracting, can't help it, i'm stuck in the mud. Sad to say i have had better days, i'm actually enjoying this slow state of mind.

RE: Muse

2005-02-25T16:37:00.000Z

Yes, so my Muse seems to be a guy, yes I know that, but remember to read the opening.
I know that someday, one luck person, preferably a guy... Will be honored with my heart. If I do sound arrogant, then good, because I value my heart and all the love contained within. Doesn't that sound so romantic? I know, I'm turning green, just thinking about it.
But its true, it's not easy to trust, and anyone who has my trust, has more than just my friendship, they have a piece of my heart.
These are not things one can explain with soulful sentences and lubbely images, they just are.
Hafsa darling, the things I see in you, I saw in myself, I feel as if your not a stranger to me and to the way I think. That's what I mean. All my friends are special to me, and you know who you are, all of you.

I may not say I love you
And i may not kiss and hug you
But every moment is precious
Though I am very cautious
I keep my feelings guarded
However, you are highly regarded.

Celestial

2005-02-25T16:16:00.000Z

Bitter and deep
Moans the elements, strains the ground
It weeps, slightly, ever so quietly, it weeps
Turns the elements, groans the ground
It seeps, clear like the spring it is
Bringing life and destruction abound
It creeps, whistling with mirth
So sound, it creeps, sometimes silent, like our ground
It roars, flaring higher than the eye
Because it soars, shooting higher than the sky
But it burns, follows anger, then the pain
So it weeps and it turns, so it creeps, then it burns
bring our elements like the ground doth turn
Then it groans and it moans, then is still
Silent like its will.

Keep Cutting 'Till You Find What You Seek

2005-02-25T16:11:00.000Z

Cut deep, it cuts, it bleeds
Cut deep, rub the salt in my wound
Cut deep, plant your treacherous seed
Cut deep, bind and bound
Cut deep, screams singing in the sky
Cut deep, listen to my cries
Cut deep, let the seed grow
Cut deep, cut out my very soul
Cut deep, 'till you cut no more.

Hurting...

2005-02-25T15:59:00.000Z

I know it hurts, then it hurts and keeps hurting. I know its not easy to open up to others. I know its not simple to accept who you really are. Its taken me forever to find inner peace, to stop hating myself for the way I look, or for the mistakes I make. Its not easy, I know this quite well because I've been on this journey of self-actualisation. You have to accept, things that hurt you most, try to understand your weaknesses and your strengths; promise to overcome your fears . I know, i've cried myself to sleep a few times or more; and i know its not easy, but you take it one step at a time and when your quest is fulfilled, you feel unburdened. I know, because I've had to come to terms with my past and my present,but the future is only what you make it and I make the future mine.

azamali

2005-01-15T17:44:00.000Z

azamali
If you need motivation, he's got plenty of it!

Husay Janebdar

2005-01-15T17:40:00.000Z

Husay Janebdar
Check out her work, it'll make you weep and remember to leave reviews!

Muse

2005-01-15T17:05:00.000Z

To my Muse
- I see you in my dreams but you're out there somewhere.

He is beautiful...
Winged like an angel, his voice velvet soft
Wings of downy feathers
Lulling me into slumber with sweet amour
He sparks my imagination, inspiration
And wills me dream honeyed dreams
The smell of his skin...
Flower buds spring open to his delicate touch
with nary reluctance to be seen
He is so incredibly beautiful....
Oval orbs swimming with stars
They bring me stories from the heavens above
So deep they be
Full of majestic wonder
He steals my breath
With every syllable he utters
Rouged lips that demand my attention
I would give him my heart
If only I had another
Because he is my muse.

Des Glacées Mots

2005-01-13T16:37:00.000Z

Well meaning words are often lies
Sugar coated lies, dressed in stripes of comforting blue, rosy red
And sympathetic green
Often, well meaning words are encased in cool teal to calm
Daily I rinse my mouth out with well meaning words
Bringing yellow happiness to once solemn faces
The soft auburn and sun burnt gold melt on my lips,
Coating my well meaning words in deceptive tan
Daily my well meaning words crawl from my throat to spill forth,
Like froth, creamy and foamy, dissolving instantly on the tongue
Sugar glazed words sit among the summer fruit
Slowly rotting then to their core, due to their sweetness
I do not accept sugar coated lies, no matter how
Well meaning they are
Because I know their sweetness would rot out my teeth
After rinsing with well meaning words, I brush my teeth
With a pencil and write with my lips
Intricately weaving together des glacées mots to form
A sentence, a paragraph, a story
Lovingly entwining sunshine and trees into the painting
A streak of ferocious crimson and tranquil turquoise
Ought to complete the setting; which sits beneath the tongue, waiting to be released,
Well meaning words become an explosion of colour, sounds
And smells, rolling off the tongue, with force
That sends my mind reeling uncontrollably
Daily, sugar coated lies and well meaning words entwine
To form, sweet decay of the mouth and mind
So I brush with a pencil and write with my lips
To form, sentences, paragraphs, stories
Then, release in a burst of colour, smells and sounds
Sugar coated lies and well meaning words